Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Guest Post: Tammy from "She Says Tomato!"

Greetings, Dirt Fans! (Much better than Rub Fans, yes?) Since the Mother of All Things Dirty (hehe) is stepping away from her computer for a few days, she has asked that I step in and distract y'all with an embarrassing story about me. Not difficult, I assure you.

Now, which to tell?

...the time I accidentally shaved my cat?

...the time I sprained my neck while looking under a bathroom stall at work and ended up in a neck brace for a week?

...the time I adopted a rat and ended up giving him CPR because he was having some sort of seizure?

After a bout of self-doubt, some intense deliberation and a few glasses of amaretto on the rocks, I decided the sprained neck story was too good to withhold. The best part? It was so terribly awkward and ridiculous that my best friend, who went to film school, decided to make an entire short film based on the incident. Who starred in that film you ask? MOI! So not only can I tell you the story, but I also have the benefit of having screen shots for look-at-the-picture types like myself.

Story goes like this:

I was in the bathroom at work, sitting in the furthest stall. When I entered the bathroom, there was a smell...I mean, a smell. I had apparently just missed it (which is good), but I did get mildly paranoid that the smell would be attributed to me if someone were to come in. I decided to take my chances.

Of course someone came in. A mystery woman came barreling into the bathroom and into a stall three doors down. Obviously I  needed to wait her out, lest we make eye contact at the sinks and she get the impression that I was the cause of the smell (the horror!). So there we sat.

She started to pee, and I shuffled my feet a bit, subtly letting her know that someone else was in the bathroom and she should put a hurry on it. After what seemed like 10 minutes, I realized that she had been peeing for an interminable amount of time. I mean, there is a full bladder, and then there is a camel. I was ready to check for hooves. Then, just when I thought she couldn't be a more annoying co-occupant in the bathroom, her cell phone rang. You know she answered it. So now I'm all...

...and she's all "blah blah blah...blee blahhhh". Appalled at the blatant rudeness of this bitch, my curiosity got the best of me and I leaned way down to see what shoes she was wearing so I could be sure to give her dirty looks if I ever saw her in the hallway.

All I saw were a matronly pair of boring brown shoes, the kind all of the women at work wore. Hmph. My curiosity not having been satisfied enough, I sat up quickly to stew about it some more and OH! OUCH!!! MY NECK!!!!


By the time I woke up the next morning, I could barely get my head off the pillow to sit up. I called my mom, and she took me to the emergency room, where she made sure I told everyone how I had hurt myself. (My mother has a strict no lying/no stealing policy). Much to my dismay, the (hot, young) doctor told me I had indeed sprained my neck (betcha didn't even think that was possible) and that I would need to wear a neck brace for a week. I had to go back to work like that, where I obviously couldn't tell people what had really happened but didn't want to lie (moms get in your head that way). I mean, if you say you were in a car accident or something...and karma hears you...well, you know.

Anyway, I went with the oh-so-awkward "I just twisted it wrong" and suffered through the looks of pity, curiosity and blatant disbelief for the remainder of the week. Stories went around about me having been in a fight (um, no...I'm waaay too wimpy for that).

And in case you were wondering, I never did figure out who the woman was. Curses.

And that, folks, was just one of my abundance of awkward moments. Come on by and visit me sometime at http://www.shesaystomato.blogspot.com/ and I'll be sure to regale you with the tales of many more!


hayley j said...

haha i laughed out loud reading this! too funny. and a good embarrassing story. mine is too dirty to tell people, but i still do...but anyway i wish i had a PG one i could share frequently. nice mid afternoon laugh for me :)

my3littlebirds said...

So funny! I sprained my neck once while using my breastpump, so anything is possible. Seriously the worst pain I've ever been in in my life...and I have 3 kids.

Katharine said...

Tammy's a funny lady. I'm going to have to add her to my blog bookmarks! I use them to procrastinate my work at night.

blondie said...

She is the best person in the whole world......she males me smile.....