An Apology

A letter of apology to the L.L. Bean store employees in West Lebanon, NH, which I will never send, out of shame:

Dear Sweet and Soon-to-be-Irate Employees of L.L. Bean,

Thank you so much for exchanging my shearling slippers which I had worn down to practically nothing for a brand new pair. I knew that your customer service guarantee said I could return something I wasn't happy with no matter how long I'd had them, but I thought I was pushing it after eight months. But no! You still took them back because they fell apart, and you didn't even ask me if it was my fault or if my dog ate them. You just exchanged them for a brand new, beautiful pair, and I am happily wearing them right now. You're the best.

In addition, thank you for being so sweet to my eight-month-old son, J, who I brought in the store as a distraction from the fact that I was ludicrously attempting to return slippers that had been worn to pieces. I didn't even need to use his sweet little smile as a stun gun to disarm you into allowing me to return said slippers. Instead, you entertained him with lip balm and cooed over how adorable he was while running out back to fetch me new slippers. It was the perfect shopping experience and I am a L.L. Beaner for life.

Let me just quickly mention that you might want to check out that display tent in the store by the register in which my son and I were happily playing after you gave me my precious slippers. I know I casually mentioned that he drooled in there, but really, he puked up most of his bottle about a half hour after he drank it, so it was pretty curdled and gnarly. I used his tiny little baby socks to try to sop up what I could, but there was still some in there just waiting to stink up the whole store. If you're still looking for the origin of that smell, check the tent and the sleeping bag.

You really should keep some tissues or napkins at the checkout register for just such an emergency. If you had had these items handy when I asked so innocently for them, you wouldn't have this problem now. Actually, it's all your fault really.

Again, thanks for the slippers! You're the best.

Sincerely,

Mother Who Wishes To Remain Nameless So She Can Still Use the Rest of Her Gift Card Without Judgment